Bum Reviews:  Ranma One Half
by soapfiction
Summary: Chester A. Bum reviews the anime Ranma 1/2. Will it be the best cartoon he's ever seen in his life? Read to find out!


I hope there are plenty of _Nostalgia Critic _fans out there, because I've taken one of his characters and envisioned what a Ranma 1/2 review would look like. Enjoy!

* * *

><p>And now, it's time for <em>Bum Reviews<em>, with Chester A. Bum.

Tonight's review: _**Ranma ½**_**.**

(Camera cuts to Chester.)

_OH MY GOD, _this is the _greatest_ cartoon I've ever seen in my life!

(cut)

Look out, for the Spring of Drowned _Spoilers_!

(cut)

First off, I want to settle the issue of those who insist that I call this cartoon an "Anna-May". For the last time, _who the hell_ are Anna and May? I've watched dozens of these weird Japanese cartoons, and not once have I seen one that had anyone named Anna _or_ May!

(cut)

Okay, _maybe_ I saw someone named May, once or twice, but that's a really stupid reason to name an entire series of cartoons after people who rarely appear in them!

(cut)

So, for the sake of brevity, I will continue to call it a cartoon! So suck on it!

(cut)

Now, where were we? Oh, right!

(cut)

There's this guy, called Ranma, who comes from the Land of the Rising Sun,

(cut)

And he's from a family of kung-fu fighters! And he and his father walk the earth as a father-son team of martial artists to train in kung-fu!

(cut)

They're just like Sanford and Son!

(cut)

Only instead of selling junk antiques, they bicker constantly, beat the crap out of each other and try to steal each other's food!

(cut)

No, wait. That's _exactly_ like Sanford and Son…

(cut)

So one day, he and his father decide to go to China!

(cut)

_I_ went to China once!

(cut)

No, wait, that was a P.F. Chang's.

(cut)

Whatever. Either way, I got kicked out and can't go back.

(cut)

So they come to this secret training ground in the mountains, and there's a bunch of pools around!

(cut)

And the guide tells them that the pools are magical! Why? Because someone or something drowned in them about a thousand years ago!

(cut)

So _that's_ how magic works!

(cut)

Let some person or animal rot in the ground for a few thousand years, and _poof_! Everything becomes all magical!

(cut)

That explains why something weird happens every time you build something over an Indian burial ground!

(cut)

Or like when I buried my old pet cat next to my box, and the box came alive and started doing a Redd Foxx routine!

(cut)

No, wait. That was just me getting high.

(cut)

So Ranma falls into one of the pools, and when he resurfa-maces, he's become a girl!

(cut)

OH MY GOD! HE'S TURNED INTO A GIRL! I AM SO HIGH!

(cut)

No, really! He grows boobs, loses his manhood and everything!

(cut)

_I_ lost my manhood once!

(cut)

(Darkly) That's the last time I bother a honey badger.

(cut)

Also, for some reason, his hair turns red.

(cut)

So, it's a spring of drowned Irish girl?

(cut)

Also, his father falls in, and turns into Kung Fu Panda!

(cut)

I'm dead serious! His father is _Kung Fu Panda_! That is _so_ awesome!

(cut)

I wish _my_ Dad could turn into a kung fu-fighting animal!

(cut)

If I didn't eat him and use his body hair to fill my pillow.

(cut)

So after all this, do Ranma and his father stick around to find a cure for their curses?

(cut)

OF COURSE NOT! Instead, they head back to Japan because his father wants him to get married!

(cut)

Gee, customs in Japan sure are weird, aren't they?

(cut)

But I'm not one to talk, because _I_ got married once!

(cut)

To a possum! Which I then ate at the reception.

(cut)

So Ranma's father has an old friend, who has three daughters!

(cut)

One of them is named Kasumi.

(cut)

(Impression) Hello, I am a total submissive airhead who doesn't realize when the world is crumbling around her!

(cut)

Then Nabiki! Who I swear is the illegitimate daughter of Gordon Gekko and Yoko Ono!

(cut)

(Impression) I'm a heartless bitch who'll clean you out, leave you to the dogs and not think twice about it! But hey, I miss my mother, so the fans will love me anyway!

(cut)

And finally, Akane!

(cut)

(Impression) I hate boys, I hate freaks, and therefore, I HATE YOU!

(cut)

And, spoiler alert, guess which one he ends up going with?

(cut)

WHY, THE ONE WHO HATES HIM, OF COURSE!

(cut)

What the hell is with these people, always becoming attracted to those who hate them?

(cut)

Then again, I'm not one to complain, because _I_ did that once!

(cut)

I followed an office lady back and forth across town, only more motivated every time she told me to go away!

(cut)

Until she had a restraining order filed against me, that is.

(cut)

And now I'm thinking that lady from the Starbucks on 12th street is looking pretty good…

(cut)

Oh, right, where was I?

(cut)

So Ranma and Akane spend half their time going to school, and the other half fighting each other!

(cut)

And Akane begins to do what all confused adolescent girls who can't make up their minds about boys do: act like Gollum!

(cut)

(Impression) We _loves_ Ranma! We loves him _so much_! (Darker impression) _No_! We _hates_ Ranma! We hates him _so much_! _Love! Hate! Love! Hate!_

(cut)

Just your average teenage girl, folks!

(cut)

But that's not all, because there are EVEN MORE CHARACTERS!

(cut)

Seriously, there's more than Rain Man could count!

(cut)

There's this guy at school who walks around with a sword, dresses in blue, and has completely chauvinist attitudes that make him think he can do whatever he wants with the girls!

(cut)

Sounds like Mel Gibson…

(cut)

And he has a sister, who wears a leotard, laughs like a Disney villain, and likes to poison people!

(cut)

Sounds like my mom….

(cut)

And his father, who likes pineapples, shaving heads, and being a total jerk!

(cut)

Meh. Sounds like every barber I've ever known. God, I hate those guys.

(cut)

There's also this bandanna-wearing guy who changes into a piglet and gets lost a lot!

(cut)

In fact, that's a good name for him! Sir Lost-A-Lot!

(cut)

Seriously, he gets lost _everywhere_! The jungle, the mountains, even in his own house!

(cut)

_I _got lost in my own house once!

(cut)

It was a box. (Awkward silence)…I was _really_ high.

(cut)

There's also this purple-haired Chinese girl, who changes into a cat, and she talks like the Hulk and is just as strong!

(cut)

She's joined by her great-grandmother, who looks like Joan Rivers if you cross-bred her with a baboon, dressed her up in rags, and gave her a bad haircut.

(cut)

And the guy who likes her, a blind knife-thrower who turns into a duck!

(cut)

_I_ was a blind knife-thrower once!

(cut)

Wait…no, I wasn't. That's just stupid.

(cut)

There's also this girl, or maybe it's a boy?

(cut)

I don't know. With this show, it's really hard to tell.

(cut)

Anyway, she makes pancakes and fights with cooking and food products! So every fight is literally a food fight!

(cut)

It's just like in _Animal House_!

(cut)

(John Belushi impression) Food fight! (gets knocked back) Ow! Foul! That spatula is sharp!

(cut)

There's also this old midget guy, who likes to beat up Ranma and steal ladies' underwear!

(cut)

_I _stole ladies' underwear once!

(cut)

But it's not like I wear it, or anything…(awkward smile) heheh….

(cut)

And what's the one thing they all have in common? THEY ALL KUNG FU-FIGHT!

(cut)

I mean it! Everybody in this show is Kung Fu-fighting, all the time! It's just like that song!

(cut)

(singing_) Everybody was Kung Fu-fighting! Hiyah! They fight with food, ducks and lightning! Hiyah! And it was really, really frightening! Hiyah! Oh my god, I am so high!_

(cut)

So anyway, how did Ranma become so good at fighting?

(cut)

Well, when he was a kid, his father tied him in sausage and threw him into a pack of hungry cats!

(cut)

But, instead, that made him afraid of cats! Also, it turns him into a cat when he gets to agi-matated!

(cut)

Dude, this family is _really_ screwed up.

(cut)

But I'm not one to talk, because _my_ father threw me into a pack of hungry cats once!

(cut)

But instead of becoming afraid, I became one with the kitties, learning their language and culture an how to live like a cat!

(cut)

Then I ate them.

(cut)

Dad wasn't happy to see me come back.

(cut)

And over the course of the show, they do all sorts of things!

(cut)

Like fight! And participate in races! And fight! And travel to China! And fight! And celebrate holidays! And fight! And go to school! And fight! And get involved in crazy love triangles! And fight! And fight! And fight some more! Did I mention that they fight?

(cut)

Seriously, do these people do anything other than fight?

(cut)

I mean, I used to fight all the time, but I mellowed out by taking lots of drugs!

(cut)

Maybe that's what these people need! I mean, I can only imagine what Ranma and Akane might be like on drugs!

(cut)

(Impression) I hate you! You're uncute, and you're a bitch!

(Impression) Yeah, well I hate _you_! You're a pervert and a jerk! And I'm gonna…ahh, I don't care anymore. Why do we always fight?

(Impression) Yeah, you're right. Wanna make out?

(Impression) Well, our fathers are okay with it, so, yeah!

(Make-out sounds)

(Impression) Say, I've always wondered, can you get pregnant in your girl for-

(Impression) Shut up! We're not supposed to think about that!

(cut)

Oh, I forgot to mention! Ranma also has a mother,

(cut)

And she wants to cut off his head! (Silence)…Dead serious!

(cut)

Okay, what the hell is with this family?

(cut)

His father beats him up all the time, and his mother's trying to kill him!

(cut)

I mean, my mom never tried to cut my head off!

(cut)

She tried to cut my wiener off once, but she was drunk, so I don't think she knew what she was doing.

(cut)

My father also touched me in all these weird places, but that's okay, because I turned out just fine! (Awkward silence)…God, I'm messed up.

(cut)

Anyway, after more craziness than _Zombieland_, _Jackass 3D_, and my last acid trip combined,

(cut)

Ranma and Akane finally decide to get married!

(cut)

Hurray!

(cut)

The only problem is, no one else in town is cool with it!

(cut)

So they crash the wedding, and Ranma and Akane have to postpone their plans!

(cut)

Hurray!

(cut)

And _that's_ Ranma ½, folks!

(cut)

So I really liked this cartoon, because it's filled with so much fighting!

(cut)

And people who change into animals! And crazy love triangles!

(cut)

In fact, I could do with a change in life! I'm a bum, I live in a box, and I eat rats and newspapers!

(cut)

If a little splash of water is all it takes to change, then I wanna go to this Jusenka-miyo place, too!

(cut)

I bet there's a Spring of Drowned Rich Man there!

(cut)

And if there isn't, I can just kidnap Donald Trump, drown him in one of the springs, jump in, and BOOM! I'm Donald Trump!

(cut)

Then _I_ can tell stupid people that they're fired! Instead of getting told that myself!

(cut)

Even though I've never actually had a job.

(cut)

So, why the hell did they keep telling me I was fired?

(cut)

I remember it, that time at the Starbucks, after I lit up my – ooohhh…

(cut)

"Chester, you're _on fire_." That's what they said.

(cut)

I really need to stop getting high on butane.

(cut)

This is Chester A. Bum, saying: CHANGE! YA GOT CHANGE? Aw c'mon, help a guy out will 'ya? C'mon, CHANGE!

(fade to black)

C'mon, I need it to fund my trip to China! Besides, that Nabiki chick cleaned me out! She promised me a new box, and she wouldn't even give me that!

(End of video)

_Seriously: Ranma ½ was pretty cool, but also pretty weird._

* * *

><p>Hope you all enjoyed that. Happy trails.<p> 


End file.
